I've been meaning to start writing more... And also to take more photos, do more yoga and plan the rest of my life.
But even in my couple months of solo travel I haven't seemed to find time to write anything that felt inspiring along my incredibly eventful journey or been able to consistently photograph the many breathtaking places I've traveled, (how many beaches and landscapes does one need?) or felt motivated to go to the world caliber yoga classes a mere 5 minute walk away from my bungalow, much less come up with any inkling about what the next step I take toward the rest of my life should be.
So instead I am starting here... From this totally random, vulnerable, unshowered, frustrating, mediocre moment on my humble terrace in Ubud, that couldn't be further from how I hoped things would feel when I started writing again from my new and improved, hyper aware, life changing, mind riveting, tear jerking, soul churning, viral in 60 seconds perspective. (Those may be some of the overwhelmingly hefty expectations that kept me from starting.)
I started anyways, because I realized maybe that is the lesson. Just STARTING. Writing the first ordinary word, snapping any old photo, doing what one can do in whatever the circumstances happen to be at the moment... And most importantly letting go of all these expectations that we spend our precious nows anxiously waiting for. After all, it is as the unavoidable banner at one of the countless acting schools in LA constantly reminded me: "If not now, when?" It sounds cliche, maybe even annoying if you're feeling stuck in that non-doing space, (it definitely still sounds irritating to me), but as annoying as it may be, it is also annoyingly accurate.
The only thing it takes to become a doer of anything is not timing, skill, talent, funds or passion even... It is the sheer willingness to turn that thought that inhabits your mind into a verb existing out in the world... it is simply to do it. Before you're ready, before you have enough money, before it all makes sense, before you are 100% sure, before it's brilliant enough to be proud of it, before you feel at all good enough; Start. Right. Now.
The key is not to overthink it, as I have learned after spending the past 2 months with the most time consuming and clingy travel partner one can have, my thoughts. I have found that one courageous movement towards doing is often all it takes to get rid of the major thought that comes in some form or another... "I can't". I remember when I was younger going to the big bridge for the first time to jump off. (I'm already regretting this analogy, but bear with me.) It didn't look that high from the bottom, but as soon as I started climbing it, it suddenly seemed to keep getting more and more ginormous. As I climbed onto the platform, now nervous to even approach the edge, one of the boys yelled out to me: "Don't look down, just jump!" And being the good student that I was, I followed directions and just jumped blindly off the platform. I remember thinking, as I was already flailing through the air at an increasing speed, "It's too high, I don't want to jump!" Of course by that time it was too late, I was already bouncing up from the water, gasping for air, all smiles, feeling empowered and ready to go again from the even higher spot next time. Ya see, that's the thing about doing, it puts you in motion, it often breaks through the fears your mind creates with a dose of reality and proves that it's not so scary after all... and even if it is, it's doable. (Okay, I know jumping off bridges isn't the safest thing, but hey, neither is driving in a car, or walking down the street or certainly not taking any risks we are brave enough to make the leap for in life. And I will have you know that we survived, and dare I say, even benefited from, many brilliant summer days jumping off that bridge. Which is why I have always been under the belief that maybe when grownups asked us: "If everyone else jumped off a bridge would you?" We should have been encouraged to roar back with a mighty: "Heck. YES!")
Which brings me to the next part, the part that seems to be the hardest for this moody, flighty, indecisive, non committal little Cancer soul... To do it again AND (gulp) to keep doing it. For those like me who have trouble with that concept, what this basically means is you do it again, and then again, and more still, sometimes 4 times in one day, then believe it or not... another time and even when you don't feel inspired or motivated or happy or sad or rich or like you're making progress quick enough or even when you're not getting nearly as good as you should be by now so maybe it's time to try that other thing you were reading about... to show up and do it anyway. Because apparently... Wait for it... that's how incredible things get done. Imagine?!! And it gets more shocking! Apparently, for us creative types, (which I like to think every single human is in some way), we will NEVER be satisfied with our work! As so eloquently put by Martha Graham while speaking to Agnes De Mille:
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."
So there ya have it. Well, almost... Because the good news is once it is done, the doingness in itself feels like the result. I believe it is that sensation of doing that inspires us and keeps us marching onward regardless of the resulting work itself. Even now, as I sit here unimpressed, thinking of how silly this may sound to many people (including my future self when I judge it even more critically tomorrow), how many run on sentences I've used and how many basic rules of grammar I've butchered, how unimportant this feeble addition feels compared to the great big collection of brilliant and even decent ramblings on the World Wide Web (well, unimportant to anyone but my lovely parents), even as I debate whether I'm ready to press publish and expose my flaws to any random person who is bored enough online to read this... I take comfort in the feeling that I have now allowed this energy to be translated through me and released by this action, that I have kept my channel unapologetically open despite the lackluster results and maybe, just maybe, I will give in to the urge to jump again from even higher next time.
Silver Lining:
"Well some say life will beat you down. Break your heart, steal your crown. So I've started out, for God knows where, I guess I'll know when I get there. I'm learning to fly, around the clouds, But what goes up must come down. I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings, Coming down is the hardest thing."- Tom Petty~ 'Learning To Fly'
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