Once upon all the time, something challenging happens, followed by something amazing...




Thursday, February 20, 2014

Let. It. Grow.

It must be said, because I have nothing else left to to say at this point, that I finally took action and now somehow I feel like I am being cruely punished.  Ok, so that's a little dramatic, but I feel uninspired, blank, blah, bland.  If I were a food I would be soggy white bread. I showed up ready for action again against all odds, but now I'm stuck with nothing to write, and even the things I am jotting down bore me.  I just keep writing junk, opening a new page, staring at butterflies, checking out yoga times, writing more garbage, closing out of the stupid thing I tried writing and opening another page, staring at grass etc. How can it be that just yesterday I felt unstoppable, inspired, ready to conquer the world, I even went to yoga twice and today I am left feeling empty and back to square one? 

The way I feel can best be described with a shopping analogy, (Hey, girl, hey): So you go shopping and you're broke, but you find so much cute stuff, and it's all in your size!  Shoes, and yoga pants and t-shirts galore... Oh, and the most gorgeous dress with the perfect cut in a style you've always wanted! There's just that one set back... You really can't afford it, (even though it is on clearance), so you hold off because you're a responsible adult.  Then you finally get some extra cash and you are ready to shop!  You go to 3 malls, 2 outlets and even that pricey boutique you don't usually let yourself step inside... And nothing!  Where did all the adorable flowy dresses that have been inhabiting your dreams suddenly go... In fact where did anything even mediocre go? You just wanted to buy something!  Why, people, why?!? You head home, empty handed, defeated and mad at yourself for not splurging when the stuff was there. Who were you kidding? The responsible adult stuff just doesn't work for you.  You'd rather be in debt then dressless.
Well, I have finally decided to show up ready to do my art and just shopped through every corner of my brain, and found nothing I want.

So now what?   Well, to start with you have to be doing something to get to this point, so remember to high five your frustrated self for that.  Then I guess you just keep going with that blahness anyways.  Fight through your judgement, ignore it and keep doing stuff.  Many times if we have an expectation or vision of what our ideas are supposed to look like it's tough letting that go. When what we are now feeling doesn't match that initial idea we tend to either give up completely or struggle to fit a circle into a now heart shaped hole. Maybe the key is to be aware of this and reassess our plan of action as things evolve along the way. For instance, today as soon as I stopped trying to write about issues that were no longer relevant to me in the moment, and rather just allow myself to start ranting about how horrible this disconnect felt, I instantly felt more connected, and wouldn't ya know I haven't looked up from writing this once!  

Does that mean the work itself is any better? Nope, not necessarily... But it feels better. And when I say "feels better" I don't necessarily mean 'happy sunshine' better.  I just mean sometimes it feels better to actually allow yourself to feel like total shit, than it does to struggle to get happy.  One of the things I've tried to live by, is that you cannot expect to be happy all the time, but you can do everything in your power to always put yourself in the position to be.  And sometimes that means letting yourself have an off day just to get it over with.  As the wise bumper sticker from 'Forest Gump' reminds us: "Shit happens." And when it does, we will feel how we feel eventually no matter how much we try to fight it.  So perhaps it is in our best interest to acknowledge and embrace our feelings as we feel them.  Shit happens, change happens... That's life. 

Things are always in constant flux... The world is spinning, flowers are blooming, stars are shooting, glaciers are melting, children are being born and and turning into teenagers who continue questioning life and so on.  Just like everything else, our creative ideas are subject to their own life cycle and need room to grow and evolve.  Let's say a 5 year old decides they want to be an astronaut or a doctor or a mermaid or a teacher. Well, maybe they will turn out to be... But chances are they will learn other things along the way and change their mind multiple times.  Can you imagine how frustrating it would be if your parents would not let you give up on your childhood dream of being an astronaut? 

"But mom, I want an easel for my birthday!" 
"Honey, astronauts need to know about space not art." 
"But I'm 12 now! I haven't wanted to be an astronaut since I was 5, it was my Buzz Lightyear phase! My last painting won the school art contest." 
"You're grounded, go to your room and look in your telescope."
"I hate you mom!"

It seems crazy, but that's what I often find myself doing to my creative ideas... I expect them to remain in their juvenile form, to never change direction, to show up on time and look the way I think they should and to never grow up. But the fact is, they do... And when they do, that should be celebrated, not punished!  Growth is a good thing, a natural thing, a necessary thing.  These sweet young ideas want to thrive and allow you to take them to their full potential. By showing up without judgement and then trusting your ideas to flow organically, not how you hoped, dreamed, expected or planned them to, is perhaps the best thing we can do for everyone involved.  Otherwise they will never be able to fully become what they are capable of... Which in turn, means we would have no way to authentically express whatever it is we feel the need to put out into the world. Which would mean there would be nothing new created, including any dresses.  And to have nothing to shop for at all... well, that is indeed a very cruel punishment.

Silver Lining:
"Everything is everything. What is meant to be, will be. After winter, must come spring. Change, it comes eventually. I wrote these words for everyone, Who struggles in their youth. Who won't accept deception, Instead of what is truth. It seems we lose the game, Before we even start to play. Who made these rules? We're so confused. Easily led astray."- 'Everything is Everything." ~ Lauryn Hill


No comments:

Post a Comment