Me, Myself and the fear of letting go

I have been staying up until morning, reading and talking with my roomy, so half of my day is now my night. The truth is I am still having a hard time with the fact that I have let go of LA and all the things I had there.  So instead of spending the days wandering alone and missing LA, I spend the nights watching movies and reading so nothing is open and I have an excuse to be alone.  I woke up and did what I could, but not what I had planned. Expectation is the enemy of freedom. I always have big plans, big hopes and dreams. I imagine these great things, but then have a hard time acting on them; partly due to loss of interest after dreaming them up. I try to see the silver linings in life and people. In life I try to allow change and go with the flow.  To be gratful for my life as it is, and not view it how others think it should be.  With people, I try to be open, even after multiple red flags, I assume people are good and mean well. Today I was proven wrong, but I was also shown the light.




I realized though, that sometimes you have to cut all ties and let go, which is something I have always struggled with. It's funny because I can honestly say there isn't one person I can think of that I've been friends with, dated or otherwise, that I have left on bad terms with regardless of what happened. I always try to fix up the past and try to make it fit in with the future. I saw this as I was moving in and had things from high school that I tried to find a way to paint or adjust so I could put them to use. My roommate said, “Just because you have it doesn’t mean you should use it, just get rid of it and get something new that matches.”



It’s true. Life is Change. It’s being able to see what sticks and what doesn’t. Knowing what works with you where you are now. And being able to be where you are now. As much as I try to see the bigger picture in life, and expand my consciousness, I still have those moments where I feel so lost and clueless. I cling to people or feelings from moments long gone. I am so affected by a few little words. Then after I cry for a bit and feel sorry for myself, I realize that it’s okay to not have it together all of the time. That although I still have these fear based feelings, I am now able to be grateful for them because I see the strength and love I create for myself to get through them.



There are people in my life who see me as smart, or a pushover, or a mystery, or so brave, or so weak, and so many other things in between... the truth is they’re all right. I am all of these things depending on what you inspire in me and how you percieve me based on what I inspire in you.  There are times I wish I could show certain people a different side of me, prove to them I’m more than what they see, but we are each placed in each others path for many different reasons. We are all there to be a certain character in everyone elses life, just as they are in ours.  We are only able to see a refection of something we each possess, and respond to what we are given in each moment.  We can't point the finger, we can only be responsible for how we act.  No matter what someone else has done to me, I always feel the need to hold myself accountable for anything I have done, and try to clear the air, even if it means I get hurt.  Knowing this, I am grateful for all the people who I have met along my path, regardless of the so called end result… Because nothing is really ever an ending, just and exchange of energy carried on through our journey.




Today’s Silver Lining:


"Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear. And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer. It's driven me before and it seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal, but lately I'm beginning to see that I should be the one behind the wheel. Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeah. Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there."- Drive by Incubus